Have you been hung up on an event in your life and unsure of how to move on? The stress consuming mind space, unwantedly… The books, cd’s, YouTube, podcasts, scriptures, advice, all awesome; however, they did not satisfy the unshakable or gut wrenching thoughts of failure.
This is how my 2016 has been. I had a moment of realizing blogging will be my thing to share my message of being raw/authentic/strong/and strengthening self-concept… all to be interrupted with stress!
Finally, I am to a point of not only acknowledging this pooh, but to tackle it and move on.
My year started off with high hopes. My husband and I were on different pages of how to grow our family, finances, faith, and goals; but we were on the same page to keep up the communication, aka “disagreements”, until we found mutual ground. I am so glad I have my partner!
My children are two boys that make me laugh and cry on a daily routine…nothing too much in this area…
The one thing I had, which I truly prized, because I truly desire it, was a best friend. Quickly after the new year, with each of us having stressors going on, (which I believed was another cool thing because of how close we were, we could be each other’s rocks and blast threw our poop mines), our friendship came to a too-quick halt. This was my first shatter to myself. I internalized this way too much…
Since I am a social cat, I tried to move on and help in a volunteer organization; which I had been volunteering for – just unofficially – and made it official in April. The communication had its struggles and my desire for my position and the organizations desire of my role was differed greatly. I disobeyed my principles of being real, honest, and raw for about 30% of that time, I put myself in trouble. I could not make the organization happy, so I tried more, and they were unhappy, so I did more, until I wore myself thin. (Please, tell me I will learn my lesson!) Finally, I came forward and said I took too much on. That I wouldn’t be able to create a welcome banner for an event, and shot myself in the foot. It trickled into more stress and more people disliking one another. Beginning of October, I stopped silencing my inner self and stepped away from my volunteer position.
Small. Incapable. Loser. Unworthy to be a friend. Anger. Hatred. Too many emotions of up and down. I can say I am happy I finally listened to myself, I just waited too long.
I allowed these events to take up valuable time of my thoughts. I have been re-training my thinking patterns towards myself for 3 years and it absolutely got hung up on these two events. Maybe a few more in the past but they were small compared to these two. Maybe in a way, you can relate. Some event or someone has said/done something to make you feel small. Your coping skills may surpass mine, and maybe you are still in a moment of feeling hung up….here is how I came to feeling resolved.
1) I had to listen to myself. I had to listen to that small part of me that encouraged me to do what was right for me and my family. I had to listen to that tiny, quiet part of me that says, “You’re bigger than what you are perceiving. You are not an unworthy friend or helper. You don’t need to be that person’s cup of tea, there are plenty of other cups, allow them to take your place. I love you, Kayla. Your hubby may not agree with you, yet he fully loves you, Kayla.” My list just continued on filling myself up.
2) Disconnected. This one is tricky, so keep in mind you’re not “fully disconnecting” in life. I was trying for weeks to keep in touch with my bestie. I would text play it safe messages and then I would address my concern of the strain in my friendship. It was not returned. I did one more thing to show my great desire for keeping our friendship solid. It was not returned. I allowed myself to have a great cry. I just allowed it to come and waited for it to be done. I did stop trying. Anytime I have had a small interaction, I put forth kindness and told myself I will not put myself in a vulnerable position until the other person showed the same kind of desire I had. (Maybe I am wrong on this, what do you think?) This was in May, after this I took a HARD LOOK at my relationships in life. This year has been one of coming forward to people that I couldn’t please and saying, “I feel I am unable to meet your expectations…” this has either had those individuals leave or say, “Really? LET’S RESOLVE THIS.” The ones that have gone away has left a trace of sadness, but you know what? I am not occupied with high stress of worrying if I met that person’s standards or not. I am not being consumed into self-questioning. I disconnected from that action of approving myself through another person. This action also helped when I stepped away in my volunteer work.
3) I re-sparked. This step has me in a full swing from guilt to the child-like attitude, “Do I have to?” mixed in with the full flavor of momness, “Oh, yes, shweet-pea, YOU GET TO!” Because I am in a place of high resolution to get my family in a home, I deny spending money towards myself – except with food. It did not start until August that I realized I did deserve some funds to treat myself. My father purchased my sister and I a mini-massage session. OH MY GOSH. Why do people neglect treating themselves? Why do we hates it? (Name the movie) I got my nails painted, I went shopping, the whole female thing. I am started feeling giddy towards who I am because of how good it felt to be a bit pampered.
All the while I have been on my game of good materials to fill my mind with good thoughts. I am surrounding myself with people who provide the positive vibes.
I am reminding myself that I have chosen to create a family and I can find the joy in being a home maker. It is not my thing… I am showing up 85% and doing my best and cheering myself on. (Being real that I DO have room to improve.) This re-sparking part, cheering yourself on with something you are weak in (might be a different area, like self-appreciation or reading good things..) is IMPORTANT, dearie. I also struggle with exercise. Not sure why my motivation is lacking, due to the fact exercise helps alleviate depression and fatigue and creates some awesome-juices for any person. I had to cheer myself on. Oh, the joy of exercise after producing two humans…
Re-sparking will not be the same for you as it is with me. You need to find something you REALLY like. For me, swimming, intimacy with my man, sunshine, snowboarding, holidays; these will re-ignite me. Even the pleasure of a bath and YouTube is just the right answer for a horrendous day. Re-Spark, Re-Ignite, back up to step one and make it simple on yourself.
4) Re-plug. I am sort of new on this step but it’s simple. Put yourself out there again. I don’t think you necessarily need to go back to the events/people that were difficult. I think with re-plugging that you need to have a re-new attitude towards what IS happening in the moment. Be aware of your needs while being willing to do YOUR SHARE of adding fullness in your day. If you start running and realize you need to slow down, do so with zero self-blame or hate. Forgive yourself each night and forgive others. Ask yourself aloud, “What can I do to improve XYZ?” You’ll be surprised how the solution will come forth. Mainly, be active in your thoughts, actions, and words. Keep an active ear for your life’s mission and go towards it.
I hope this post will not be needed by many. For the one, or two, souls this can affect, I hope it does so with a strong lift. No one deserves to be hung up in life. Every soul deserves to receive and to give his/her best in this life.
Love to all!
- Kayla Bailey