As a member of the attempted-suicide-tribe, I feel the need to speak up about loneliness and feeling inadequate. At 13 years old I felt done with this world. When my plan of leaving was lovingly interrupted, I turned to a small thought, “If You won’t take me now, then what?” My answer did not come. For the next 6 years I went through annoyance, anger, sadness. I felt my life was pointless and meaningless so I did whatever to myself. (I tried to not drag others into my decisions; which is inevitable, I give my biggest apologies.) Since those times, and even today, I ask myself, “Why Even Try?”
A big method I use to save myself is to write about my good days. I even post on Instagram, a lot, so I can go through my posts and re-live the good times.
Today, I want to share this main message: You are here to live for you. You are trying for you. To the current amazing, learning, and frustrated you. For the future ever-more-successful you. For the sweeter moment of seeing another live in grief as you once did, giving your shirt of compassion to them and filling them up with enough love to live two life time. It isn’t trying to live better for the parentals, spouses, friends, neighbors, or co-workers. The perks of those relationships come after your own self-ship.
The reality is, there is a circle of up and downs. If you are in my tribe with mental illness, that circle has a higher speed, or sometimes, it is so slow that the up-swing seems nonexistent. I practice every day to fill myself up with love. It’s hard. It feels funny. I keep doing it though, because when I like myself, I like my children, and sometimes my husband; and even, extended family members.
So, why even try? Because any amount of investment you put towards yourself, is an investment. Any progression forward, is moving forward.
My biggest hope is Christ. This time of year quickens my thoughts to Him. I can’t imagine being crucified nor resurrected. As I think of His many painful walks of rejection and persecution, I somehow can tie my pain to Him. He didn’t have the majority of people accepting His gospel. He had some who love Him, only to walk away and leave His side. I am sure His heart had grief. I am sure He felt despair and loneliness like many of us had.
To be fair in our fake world, I shall be honest. I am a bit upset with the Gods. For whatever reason, I am not a house owner. It’s a great desire. A GREAT ONE. I mope on occasion within an hour. I try to take every step forward to prove my ability to be a house owner, only to have things OUTSIDE of my control disrupt any growth for a home. November was a month to be thankful. HA. Ha. ha. I was in the “This is stupid” mode. An acquaintance was running a free gratitude seminar. WHAT-EV’s Lord, I can take a hint. As I listened to this seminar, I thought, “Why am I listening to this? Why am I wanting to listen to this? Why am I trying to be thankful?” ONE thing stood out and that was a challenge to serve someone and blessing their lives.
When I was done with the seminar I went on with my day with errands. I kept praying, “Lord, I am not in a position to help someone with a broke down car. I am not sure what I can do to give more to this world, I feel tired. Will You let me know where I can do good?” As I was going through the grocery store, I saw 2 church missionaries. Let’s be clear on ONE thing. I am not a supporter of missions. I dodge missionaries because I don’t want to be asked churchy questions, I dodge them because I am not fully on good terms with the Man Upstairs, AND MOSTLY, I do not have names to provide for investigation. So there were 2 missionaries and my heart said, “HEY! We can stand with them in the check out and pay for their groceries.” My head, “NOPE. They just filled their cart and must be headed out, I gotsa get my move on and be quick on my errand.”
So, I kept pushing my cart. My bleeding heart kept a pricking and sending feelings to my brain. SO I COMPROMISED, because I am somewhat a good person. When I completed my list, I walked to the front of the grocery store and lo and behold, 2 missionaries stand before me. I thought of their moms. I bet their moms ache for their kids. I bet those parents are on their knees daily, praying for food and protection to flow to their babies. I pushed my cart behind them in the check out.
These two missionaries were sweet and soft-spoken to one another. They were separating their items into two parts. One side for the blonde, one side for the brunette. They were calculating to make sure they had enough funds to pay for their food. It was meager.
I didn’t know what to do. ME. The loud mouth. I kept trying to think of what to do. The roller belt started to give way and the missionaries were about to put their groceries on board. I blurted, “ELDERS?” They stopped and looked at me, with my 18 month old.
“Elders, I need to ask you for something. Will you help me?” They were really taken back and were hesitant to say yes. They replied, “We will sure try.”
I said something like the following, “Will you allow me to purchase your groceries today?”
They didn’t answer me. They looked at me like I am a fool… They may have been correct…
I bellowed in addition, “I also need you to throw in one treat for each of yourselves. If you don’t, then I’m going to choose one for you and I don’t need to be choosing something you don’t like.” (SMOOTHE, KAYLA.)
I was given many words of appreciation. I don’t remember if I was kind because remember, I don’t support missionaries. Here I was, throwing all my reasons out the window and trying to put forth a better foot. They asked what they could do in return, I simply said in 10 years, they can pay it forward.
I tried that day because I was done of feeling sorry for myself. I realized, again, that I am not alone in this world with struggles. I remembered that I added value and still had worth in this time of living. I remember feeling traitorous happy and still do. This began my spirit of Christmas of giving, as Christ gives to me. I tried because I was tired. Same letters, different outcomes.
I really conquered this post, great work if you are still reading. I conquered laundry, shear sharpening, dishes, and diapers, too. This is me trying. I am certain that if you keep your chin up, and eyes forward, you will find little reasons why you keep trying, too.
Much love to my tribe members who are trying,