Keep Swimming With Depression

Hello there. I may have taken a break in blogging…I haven’t slowed down in my day to day life. I often think of coming back and to write…then I allow myself to become consumed elsewhere. Today, something hit me so strong, that I am typing away, rather than be working out, getting ready for the day, cleaning my house, or sitting with my toddler learning colors and shapes.

Today, I heard this statement on the television (this isn’t verbatim, just similar), “…for some people it is the one time to open up and share something difficult. That is very brave. For someone to continually go forward and sharing repeatedly their story is very brave.”  Friends, I don’t relish in sharing my ugly stories. I do find delight if I can ever help someone feel hope, feel beauty, or feel purpose.

I have been in conversations with individuals who do not realize the impact of their words. “Your story is scary.” My story is not scary, what happened to me is scary.  “I encourage you to elevate yourself as a person.” I elevate myself daily and it is unfortunate you do not live closer to fully see who I am. “You are a person that use to (fill in the blank) back in the day.” Yes, there once was a time in my life when I was lost and filling very sad emotions with actions that society tries to silence. Today I use my voice to help others realize we can do more as a society, rather than shy away.

I also have moments, in various responsibilities/roles I serve, when the other person chooses not to engage and find simple solutions to make our responsibilities better. The best example is if you have a co-worker and repeatedly there is a day-to-day responsibility that is being neglected until you show up. You make inquiries about  the incomplete task, only to have the person not respond back or to state everything is fine and that person moves on without resolving a simple task that has a purpose to be fulfilled.

These situations can be happening at your home, at your work place, at your church, at your community gym, at your volunteer place, within your neighborhood, etc. If you are like me and combine this with anxiety, PTSD, any form of depression, or any other disorder like perfectionism,  OCD, narcissism, etc., then coping in the day to day can overwhelm you to the point of feeling defeat, uncertainty, and fulling withdrawing from life.

I want you to realize right now, there isn’t anything wrong with you. The only thing I would classify as “wrong” is if you put yourself down and if you think you don’t need, or deserve, help. I do believe I am worth to have help, and here is what I do.

First thing is give myself permission. I allow the emotions to flow through. I allow myself to question if there is anything valid. Why did this person, or statement, affect me so much? Do I agree? If I feel little on myself, then I have close circle to check myself. YES, I check myself before I wreck myself. This circle has been with me through hell. This circle of people is not someone I would text, “Does this dress look okay?” You have your social friends, which is important- they are the treasures to provide relief, and you have your tribe. Your tribe has seen you in the lows, they understand your past, do not use it against you, and empower you to see the real deal that you are. You do not rely on you tribe for your own self opinion. The tribe merely points out facts you momentarily forgotten, or they help ground you.

I give myself 3 things of why I can face whatever is daunting. I already shared my life in previous posts, but here are my big 3: 1) I attempted to end my life and have since found my purpose. I will not allow this low moment to take me back. 2) I dropped out of high school, went back, enrolled and achieved my diploma. This shows me even when I felt VERY lonely, VERY judged, that I indeed am made of strong materials and can accomplish goals, despite of what others think of me. 3) I went through a time of misinterpretation of love, I have deep wounds, and at one time decided to never repeat any level of love in my life. Today, I have a solid love in my life, in various relationships, and I believe because I was able to work hard for this, that I am worthy to continue to receive love in the future.

You’re 3 things are okay to be different than mine. Sometimes, I say, “I’ve made my bed 3 days in a row.” THIS IS HUGE FOR A DEPRESSED PERSON WHO SOMETIMES DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE THE BED. I’m not yelling, I’m emphasizing.

Then I practice “Letting Go.” This is by far the hardest.

Stating word affirmations, aloud, is powerful. “This person does not see the value in me. I am letting go because I value me.” Louis Hay asks us to do this in the mirror. I thought this method is wack. I did it. I ugly cried. It was a challenge that made me realize I neglected myself far too long.

Then I do visual affirmations. Louis Hay teaches about our stress and problems being dumped in a beautiful, calm, river. Once dumped in the river, they dissolve. I liked this, and I also thought of a person who can aid me more than a river. Jesus Christ. So, I took up my unkind thoughts towards myself, my dwellings on problems, and I visualized walking to Christ. His arms were open, and somehow all of my nurmerous ugly parcels were accepted. I visualized myself being worthy in Christ’s presence. This was a struggle to get there. Christ is perfect, and I am not. When I did get to the point of handing my struggles to Christ, I did see the struggles dissolve in Christ’s hands. I felt He loved me right there on the spot, He was there to help me through, and I gathered more strength.

Another practice I do is finding something so powerful in this life to fight on. I call this the pinpoint in my depression, or self-hate. I view my depression/self-hate as dark. It can be TOO large of a cloud. In this moment, I search for the pinpoint. It is so small. It can easily be overlooked. However, it exists and that small pinpoint hole is allowing light in. Whenever I do this practice, my first born comes to mind. Oh my gosh, my first born was given laughter. What a precious gift from God. My first born loves this world, he desires to be everyone’s friend. He insists that every day NEEDS to be a play date. Every food should be the best meal ever. He loves his clothes, he loves movies. He loves to imitate silly movie scenes and silly sounds. He enjoys to make his younger brother laugh. He enjoys to make his younger cousin smile. This child is miraculous. His eyes shows his joy. His crooked smile, his scrunch up  nose, the sound of his voice…He adds so much joy. See how much light this pinpoint in my depression brings me?

It doesn’t stop there. Because my first born is such a strong light, I then see him interacting with my younger son. See how this can continue of seeing more wonderful things in your life? This is when I get back on my feet. This is when I say, “I can make one more meal and tomorrow, I will face off making this difficult phone call,” or whatever is my battle. Find your pinpoint, abode in it. Sometimes, it will grow to become your happy place. Allow your pinpoint, and your happy place, become the reason of moving forward and being the best version of yourself.

The last thing I’d like to share is honesty. Honesty can hurt you, honesty can be hurtful for others. I wouldn’t advise visualizing jet planes, more money, etc. When you visualize something so big, you might start comparing of what you don’t have. You might start to feel let down. Be aware, my sweet friend. It is great to want to work hard for more in your life… I want you to see the now. See how purposeful you are? See how important you are? See how amazing you are? See how well you are taken care of? It can grow from this moment…more can come to your life. Let yourself be on your own timeline with your growth. Be kind in your journey. Be honest of where you are. Be honest with others. I often feel scared to be honest with others and want to make a small white lie. Don’t do this. Don’t cover up something with a lie… It will snowball and trickle into other areas of your life. You don’t have to be as detailed as I am. I encourage you to just be honest.

You absolutely have what it takes to continue on. You do not need the answers in this moment. If you decide to go forward, will you be open to receive aid? Will you be willing to say 3 kind things about yourself, as many times as it takes, for you to see your worth?

My prayer is that I can show someone living with a mental disease, or disorder, can be done. I write to help my children, nieces, nephews, and grandchildren. My prayer is someone doesn’t need to walk this difficult journey alone as long as I did. My prayer is that someone can see that he, or she, is a valued person and what he/she can give in this world is enough. Love to all.

The Kayla Bailey.

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